MONDAY: Zombie Hunting

BY ALYSON FAYE

Copyright is held by the author.

THIS IS not what I had imagined happening when Lisa said we should dress up for Halloween and make a night of it. I’d been thinking about wearing matching witch and wizard costumes, going on a pub crawl, getting hammered and heading back to mine.

Instead we’re crouching in a hide in the middle of Dalby forest; weaponed up and decked out in camouflage gear. I’m freezing, fed up and sober. Outside it’s pitch black. The silence broken only by occasional howls and screams. “

“Let’s do something different.” Lisa suggested. “It’ll be a fun bonding thing. We can spend Halloween fighting side by side like in ‘The Walking Dead.’”

She’d made me watch all the show’s seasons.

I’d never heard of “Zombie Hunting.” It’s a real money spinner and Halloween’s the biggest night of the year. Okay, it’s only paint balls and dress up but the photographs on the ‘ZombiesRUs’ website are realistic. The gear you get to “hunt” with is cool.

“Time to go!” Lisa shouts as she stands up with her right arm raised. Reluctantly I follow her. I have to. We’re on the deluxe couples’ package.

It’s creepy at night in the woods. I’m jumping at shadows like a kid, whilst clutching my semi- automatic paint gun in front of me as a shield.

A figure comes streaking out of the darkness, wailing. It’s covered in white body paint, has a bloodstained mouth and is moving fast. Too fast. It can’t be human. I have a flashback to the film World War Z and my adrenaline levels surge.  I’m going to be sick.

Lisa lets off a few shots and the “zombie” collapses, writhing impressively. His chest erupting in crimson paint sprays, some of which rain onto my girlfriend.

“Awesome!” She air punches and wipes her face. I eye her with respect. This is an unknown side to my girlfriend. Lisa the Zombie killer!

Me – well I’m sweating, my mouth’s dry as dust and I want to climb a tree. But shoulder to shoulder, we march on through the bushes, shoving through the undergrowth.

I’m awash with emotions, fear yes, but there’s love mixed in too. Overcome, I whisper to Lisa, “I love you. You know that don’t you?”

Lisa glances at me, with panda eyes. She looks pleased. “Mm do you? I l . . .”

Another zombie bursts unheralded from behind a gnarly tree. He’s carrying a huge axe and shrieking. Stark white face, blue lips and rotting flesh.

Panicking, I grab Lisa and shove her in front of me.

“Take her!” I yell.

The zombie freezes. He lowers his axe. “Blimey mate. That’s a bit off in nit?”

Lisa bursts into tears and the zombie puts his arm round her shaking shoulders.

“C’mon love. You come with me and we’ll go get a cuppa.”

I watch my ex-girlfriend in her camo gear walk away into the greenery with the zombie towering protectively over her.

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