MONDAY: Jeepers Creepers

BY CHRIS LAING

Copyright is held by the author.

“HELO. THIS is Lily Marlene speaking with musicologist, Professor Horace Staccato. I understand, Professor, you’re an expert on popular songs of the World War II era. How’d you get interested in this particular music?”

“I CAN’T BEGIN TO TELL YOU.”

“My, my, we’re off to a good start. Well . . . an easy question. Where are you from, Professor?”

“SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.”

“Interesting. And how did you end up here in Toronto?”

“IN MY MERRY OLDSMOBILE.”

“Hmmm. I believe I’m detecting a certain pattern here. Do you always respond in song titles?”

“I’VE GOT IT BAD AND THAT AIN’T GOOD.”

“Oh, dear. You mean this has become your only way of speaking? I hope it’s not contagious.”

“IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.”

“Well, I hope not. Now, let’s carry on. Do you have a wife, a family?”

“I’VE GOT A GAL IN KALAMAZOO.”

“That’s nice. Planning to get married?”

“SOMEBODY STOLE MY GAL.”

“Oh, no. But you can’t just say, I’M THROUGH WITH LOVE. What type of woman interests you?”

“FIVE FOOT TWO, EYES OF BLUE.”

“Now, don’t be silly. Remember, IT’S A SIN TO TELL A LIE. What about a career woman like me?”

“MA, SHE’S MAKING EYES AT ME.”

“No, really. I’m serious. What do you think of me?”

“YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES.”

“Why, Professor, YOU’RE AN OLD SMOOTHIE. Maybe we could step out later, what do you say?”

“I’M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE.”
“Hold your horses, Buster. How about we start with COCKTAILS FOR TWO?”

“ZIP-A DEE DOO-DAH.”