BY CHRISTOPHER BARNARD

Copyright is held by the author.

“THE WEEKLY PARISIAN
28 February, 2025
Our correspondent in Paris has sent this report regarding the recent events in the French capital. This report is based on the events known to the general public, but also on interviews and independent research. To protect sources, no names have been given.”

LE GROUPE’S plan was to use dead horses to attack Napoleon.

They were an animal rights and environmental group that advocated for free-range poultry farming and agitated for the closure of zoos. They were in favour of the development of insect-based meat substitutes. They believed deindustrialization was necessary to save humanity.

Their demands were a mixture of the reasonable and the extreme, precisely because they knew that such a mixture would generate debate.

Unknown to the mainstream of Le Groupe, it had been hijacked by a secret inner cabal.

It became a front for a radical anti-imperialist organization. The goal of the cabal was to destroy the foundations of the nation state by reimagining the physical, social, and emotional space that the construct of the nation state occupied in the context of establishing equitable and measurable outcomes within wider global community partnerships.

They chose France as their first target. Precisely because it was a country with a proud history of civil disobedience and revolution.

Their aim was to interrogate the validity of France itself.

This could be carried out incrementally by calling into question what many hold near and dear: the history of the country, the national heroes, the commemorative monuments, the flag, pride in national sports teams, and so on.

One of the first steps in doing this was to critique Napoleon’s role in French and European history. They saw him as the archetypical imperialist.

Despite the great injuries Napoleon had inflicted on the French people, and the despotism and tyranny he had imposed on Europe, he is still honoured in France, where by many he is regarded as a hero.

Given Napoleon’s status, Le Groupe knew that they could not attack him directly. Their approach was cunning, imaginative, and original.

They started with a proposal that the horses which had died in the Revolutionary and Napoleonic Wars, between 1792 and 1815, be commemorated by a national memorial. After all, they had suffered hardship or death in a struggle which had nothing to do with them. Especially since, throughout France, there were memorials dedicated to the horses, donkeys, mules, dogs, and pigeons of the Great War.

To many, Le Groupe’s position seemed reasonable.

The proposal was put to the Government, and rejected. As had been predicted. Nevertheless, it had brought the matter to public attention, which was the intention of Le Groupe.

Continuing negotiations and requests were ignored or mocked.

Le Groupe, whose leadership by now comprised only the anti-imperialist cabal, decided to escalate their demands, while at the same time making them more specific.

They chose to focus on the sufferings of the horses in Napoleon’s Retreat from Moscow in 1812. Among the disasters endured was the Battle of Berezina. That battle, and the subsequent crossing of the river of that name, had cost the lives of thousands of men and horses.

Despite this, Napoleon is comfortably billeted within a stone sarcophagus in Les Invalides in Paris. Whilst thousands of men and horses have long been subsumed into the soil and mud along the line of the Retreat, and become part of the native earth.

To Le Groupe this was unjust. At least that is what they said.

The next goal of Le Groupe, therefore, was to place a formal acknowledgement honouring these horses, engraved on stone, taken from the banks of the Berezina, at the foot of Napoleon’s sarcophagus.

In French there is a saying, “C’est la Bérézina” [“It’s the Berezina”], which implies “It’s a complete disaster”. Le Groupe made this the rallying cry of their movement, and insisted that the memorial should include the word “Bérézina”.

This did not elicit any response from the Government.

They decided to increase pressure on the Government by carrying out a defecation operation. The dumping of manure on streets of cities had, in the previous twenty years or so, become a tradition in Europe, including France.

They informed the Government that they would use horses to carry out their operation.

Much consideration had been given to using cows. But they were harder to control and could not easily be given auxiliary tasks such as pulling carts and transporting goods. So horses would bring the best return on investment. The best output for input, as it were.

There was karmic justice in this. These horses would be avenging their ancestors who had died on the altar of Revolutionary and Napoleonic ambitions.

The Government refused to accede to any of their demands, naturally.

Le Groupe were not surprised. The next stage of their campaign had already been set in motion. They intended to broaden their base by appealing to as many interest groups, occupations, and social classes as possible.

The disaffected elements in France were legion. These included students, truck drivers, shopkeepers, farmers, factory workers, and others. To take one specific group, farmers had long been protesting against cheap imported goods which did not meet EU environmental standards.

These farmers were not novices at defecation tactics. They suggested that the standard procedures be taken to a higher level. They envisioned a Convergence of Horses on Paris. Anyone who wanted to participate could bring along as many horses as they wished.

***

It was not long before Paris was ringed by horse manure. The major intersections of the Boulevard Périphérique and the autoroutes leading into Paris had become almost impassable.

People were seen cautiously walking along footpaths made slippery with wet manure, as if walking on ice. The fitter and younger lent a steadying hand to the elderly, as they gingerly tottered along.

The smell became unbearable, even to those who insisted that horse manure had an earthy, honest, country smell, but Le Groupe insisted that it was all for a good cause.

Crowdfunding sites were established. Donations from around the world started to pour in for Le Groupe. The funds bought fodder, provided veterinary care, and built simple stables at designated Metro stations and convenient road junctions.

In response, the French Government decided to forbid crowdfunding sites from transferring money to Le Groupe. It went so far as to freeze personal bank accounts.

By now, a large percentage of the population was starting to enjoy these goings-on.

But enjoyment did not preclude rage, nor the occasional Molotov cocktail. Rage at the idea that the Government could freeze bank accounts, on a whim. Molotov cocktails to add emphasis to the rage.

By now, millions were on strike.

More and more horses were taking part in the Operation. The Government ordered the army to clear away the manure. Emotions were rising dangerously.

Many of the strikers, particularly students, had never worked so hard in their lives. Learning about equine care, stabling and grooming horses, and transporting fodder were gruelling tasks. Anger and frustration were building.

The more enthusiastic protesters spurred on by revolutionary zeal, and with strong stomachs, found that horse manure could be easily fashioned into very serviceable dung-balls, as long as it was not too wet. They used these to bombard the various Government functionaries who were sent, not to negotiate, but to make threats and demand a cessation of the Operation.

The Government were astonished at the rapidity with which they had lost control of the situation. (Their lack of historical knowledge regarding how revolutions start was likewise astonishing.)

At this point, a mere trickle of vehicles could enter the city to deliver goods. Shelves in the supermarkets were bare. Millions of people had fled the city. Government

offices, media organizations, banks were not functioning. The city infrastructure had collapsed.

The Government stubbornly refused to give in.

Le Groupe announced that cows were going to join the Operation. Horse manure was somewhat manageable. But the very word “bouse”, “cow dung”, struck fear into the hearts of the Government.

The Government capitulated and signed an Agreement.

Which, predictably, they prevaricated in implementing, playing for time in the usual bureaucratic ways.

A final ultimatum, using the threat of not only cows, but also sheep and goats, was necessary to pressure the Government to change its position.

The Emergency Cabinet was in panic mode by now. The fact that most of them, including the Minister of Agriculture and Rural Sustainability, did not have a very clear idea of the difference between a sheep and a goat did not help matters.

They spent time googling these animals, and also googling (text and images) “fumier”, “bouse”, and “crottes”, the French for manure, dung, and droppings.

By this stage, the conflict had reached a point where the Government was on the brink of falling to revolutionary fervour.(It was plain that the members of the Government had forgotten their compatriots’ fondness for a good revolution.)

The Government attempted to censor the French press, but that did not prevent the word “Bastille” cropping up more and more in the foreign press.

There was no alternative. They reluctantly swallowed the demands of Le Groupe.

***

Six months later, a memorial stone was set at the foot of Napoleon’s sarcophagus under the dome of Les Invalides in the presence of the President of the Republic, the Prime Minister, and the Mayor of Paris.

After the ceremony, at the requests of the international media, the Press Office of the Mayor of Paris released the following English translation of the words engraved in the memorial:

“This Monument of Remembrance, carved from stone from the banks of the River Berezina, is dedicated to the memory of the millions of horses that died in the wars of France between 1792 and 1815.”

The dignitaries quickly escaped from Les Invalides, hoping to avoid photos that associated them with the ceremony. These were events best forgotten.

The Chief Press Officer directed reporters and television crews to the nearby bank of the Seine, where the three Important People stood on a parapet to look down into the river in order to boast of their plans to clean it up. Then, turning to face the press and the hundreds of onlookers, they linked arms and smiled for the cameras.

What exactly happened next was later the subject of much debate, but one of these Important People fell backwards, and pulled the other two into the Seine.

From the crowd, there arose the cry: “La Seine est la Bérézina!”

According to Le Groupe, Napoleon’s role in history had been interrogated. They saw this as one small step that would eventually lead to a wider interrogation of the state itself. As a bonus, the Important People had ended up in a river, to the derisive cheers of the crowd. 

In revolutions, ridicule was always important.

Le Groupe had achieved their short-term goals.

This correspondent has already heard rumours of a future Operation, possibly on a European scale.

***

Christopher Barnard worked for many years in the field of Japanese/English linguistics and lexicography. He is now an independent jewellery designer in Tokyo. He has recently started writing fiction, and has had some small success with the following internet publications: Flash Fiction Magazine, Andromeda Magazine, and CommuterLit.