MONDAY: When Will “Like” Go Where “Goes” Went, When “Like” Replaced “Goes”?

BY DEE ARTEA

Copyright is held by the author.

I’m like worried about my friend, David.
Like I’m afraid he’s going to
ya know, like crack up
or something.

Especially after like the third wave.

Oh, no!
I’m not like talking about that wave,
not like biology.

I’m like talking about words,
language stuff
jargon
stuff he like freaks out about
linguistics
like really freaks out
like the last change.

So like the next will be like
the third
and I’m afraid this one will
ya know, like kill him.

I really do.
Yeah, I do.

Listen to me, will ya?

Remember like when like like only meant:
like, as in “similar to”?
That was like a generation or two ago,
fondly remembered?

Oh no, not by David
like really not fondly remembered
because, that was like when common parlance
was like pickled with the goes syndrome.

Remember?

The first wave?
The goes wave?

People didn’t say things to each other.
Oh no, just ask David,
they like goed things to each other.
I’m not kidding.

Don’t ya remember?

“I saw Brittany at the Mall today, and she goes,
‘Jen, where did you get that blah, blah, blah.’
And I go, ‘Well, blah, blah, blah.’
And then she goes, “So, blah, blah to you.”

And I like wanted to gag myself — blah.

But my friend, David,
who BTW (if ya haven’t realized it)
is like
a real stick-in-the-mud.

He thought the goes thing was
like the end of civilization, “as we know it,” he said.
Little did he know that it like would like get worse
far worse.
Yeah, the second wave,
the like wave.

“I like saw Brittany at the Mall today, and she’s like,
‘Jen, where did you like get that blah, blah, blah.’
And I’m like, ‘Well, blah, blah, blah.’
And then like she’s like, “So, like blah, blah to you.”

See, the second wave was worse.

And so:
David, who is still like stuck-in-the-mud,
but like he’s now also like pulling out his hair
and screaming things I can’t like repeat here —
unless I like do what they like do in the comics:
like, ya know: *%!$^##   $^%(*)!!!  ^$##**+=+=!!!!!
Yeah, ya see, he’s like really pissed off (that’s my translation).

And so, he’s like waiting.
He like said to me, in desperation
(or was it depression?)
with like tears in his eye
and like wringing his hands
and sweating  
and like more stuff . . .

Ya see, he like goes:
“When will like go where goes went when like replaced goes? Please!”

But I didn’t like have the guts to tell him
like the truth.
I just like shrugged my shoulders.

And he cried, really like cried,
tears
real tears
like falling in the mud below.

’Cause the truth is like this, I’m sure
(I’ll whisper it to you).
Here goes:

Like will likely be replaced by something worse,
far worse,
the way like was worse than goes,
far worse.
That’s like the history of the English language
ever changing

mutating
like a virus

not always for the better
and I’m like thinking —
linguistic third wave?

But like I can’t tell David.
So, like do me a favour.
Will ya?
You tell him . . . please?