TUESDAY: Bigfoot Love

BY ED KRATZ

Copyright is held by the author.

A YOUNG Bigfoot named Horatio clicks on a dating site with trepidation. He is shy, as most Bigfeet are. If Bigfeet were not shy, we might find Horatio and his family in a zoo. Or worse, having them as dinner.

Horatio dreams of romance with a human being.

He is using an iPad to search the Internet for dating sites. A sticker on the iPad declares, “Property of Fred Grimes. Don’t steal this, jerk.”

You might wonder how Horatio acquired this device, but you’re better off not considering that issue. You’re also better off not reflecting that Fred was the younger child of a family of four that went missing six months ago.

Let us move on from this minor detail. This is light romance, and unnecessary gory detail would darken the bright tone. No torn body parts or screaming will be mentioned.

Horatio is unique. Few Bigfeet dream of romance with humans. If they did, note the section above. A sudden rise in Bigfeet searching for human love would most likely lead them to zoos, or as we said, served on dinner plates.

***

Many miles away, in a pricey townhouse in Manhattan, a young girl clicks on her own iPad, which has her name on in. Let’s call her Estelle, because that is her name, so what else would we call her?

Estelle has been inclined to seek adventure with unsavoury characters beneath her esteemed social class, so her parents have confined her to her room.

She imagines herself a princess in a cold dark tower, though her room has more square feet than many high-priced studio apartments. She exaggerates. She is young. Her exact age is not relevant, but she is of an age that still dreams of princesses, and princess, and when one may dream of risking all for love, not settling down with that nice boy Myron whose great dream is to be an accountant.

Her iPad blinks with Horatio’s search. Someone has picked her.

The romance. The links. The love. Two alienated young souls. None of their kind understands them. Their parents, their friends, do not understand them. One click after another. She discovers this stranger loves all the things she does. Yes. Yes. Yes. This is it.

***

In his forest, Horatio taps away, wishing he could manage the tiny screen better with his huge round fingers. His friends plod by. Horatio ignores them. He has found his soulmate, and then he works on finding a meeting place and time.

Yes, Horatio is a Bigfoot, but he can use map applications. He is not stupid. He finds a deserted forest area near his love. They set a date and time to meet. Estelle will sneak out and run to the woods, and she will find love.

Appearances? Who would be so crass as to broach that topic? They are soul mates. Horatio need not sink to subterfuge like saying he’s just a big warm guy, or he’s a real beast.

How will the meeting go? Who knows? But Horatio’s best friend, Alexander, suggests that if it doesn’t work out, well, he can always eat her.

Horatio grunts a Bigfoot disapproval. But then, like any clever Bigfoot, he considers leaving all options open, and bringing his iPad and a fork, he starts the journey to his meeting.