WEDNESDAY: The Plain Truth

BY MERLE AMODEO

Copyright is held by the author.

No, that dress doesn’t make you look fat, and no there’s nothing wrong with the mirror. It’s the chips and chocolate that you call ‘lunch’ and the pasta you devour at dinner that cause that rotund reflection.

No, no matter what your friends say, you don’t look 10 years younger than your age. You have more lines on your face than the average road map, and you’d really have to push it to beat a tortoise to the finish line.

Yes, you do talk too much. When was the last time you uttered a phrase that didn’t start with ‘I’? Some people actually discuss ideas and possibilities.

No, you’re not the funniest person I’ve ever met. Going into convulsions over every ‘humorous’ tale you relate doesn’t make you funny. You can fake intelligent; you can’t fake witty.

No, I don’t want to come to dinner this Saturday. I know it would even out the men and women at the table, but I have better uses for my time than sitting beside whatever stray male unexpectedly accepted your invitation.

No, I don’t wish we lived closer. In fact, I’ve recently adopted air travel as my new hobby. Three hour flights are my favourite, so I’m moving to Saskatoon.

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